The Perfect Solution to Anorexia and Bulimia: Tiffany's Story | 017

In this powerful episode of The Redeemed Perfectionist, host Lenee' Pezzano sits down with Tiffany Hemingway to share an unfiltered, hope-filled story of overcoming childhood trauma, depression, and a years-long battle with bulimia. Tiffany’s journey takes us from the depths of pain and self-destruction to the transformative power of faith, identity, and true healing.

Whether you’ve struggled with perfectionism, eating disorders, or simply felt too broken for redemption, Tiffany’s testimony is a reminder that no place is too dark for God’s love to reach. Discover how small steps, honest surrender, and the courage to seek help can lead to lasting freedom. Plus, Lenee' shares a personal reflection from Zion National Park, connecting the relentless reach of God’s grace to every part of our lives.

If you or someone you love needs hope, healing, or a reminder that you don’t have to be perfect to be redeemed, this episode is for you. Listen, subscribe, and share to help spread the message of restoration and grace.

Join our community on Facebook at “The Redeemed Perfectionist”—there’s a seat at the table for you!

🌐 Connect with Lenee' Pezzano and The Redeemed Perfectionist

👥 Find Your People -- Join The Redeemed Perfectionist Facebook
Community: The Redeemed Perfectionist | Facebook
📖 Embrace Grace: Discover You Will Make Mistakes
https://amzn.to/4hKwhpW
🔗 Start Your Journey – Explore Resources & More
https://www.leneepezzano.com/
📱 Let's Connect - Follow along on Instagram:
https://www.instagram.com/leneepezzano/
📞Ask Lenee' Anything!: https://www.speakpipe.com/LeneePezzano
💰Show support: The Redeemed Perfectionist | Where Grace Meets Grit: Healing the Perfectionist Heart | Patreon

Transcript

The Perfect Solution to Anorexia and Bulimia:  Tiffany’s Story | 017

Leneé Pezzano:
 
Bedwetting. Depression. Cutting. Bulimia.

While other kids hide behind imaginary friends. Tiffany's reality was far darker and she had no escape until God showed up.

Your story may not look like hers, but maybe you know what it's like to feel broken, to believe your mistakes are too much. Your past, too dark and your pain too deep for God to reach. But what if God wants to meet you right there, and whisper, “I’m not done with you yet?”

I believe today's episode of the Redeemed Perfectionist will demonstrate that his heart is to do that very thing. He who began a good work in you will complete it. Philippians 1:6.

He's not only the Author of our faith, He's the Finisher too. Hebrews 12:2.  

Before we dive into one of the most inspirational stories I have ever 

[00:01:00] heard, I wanna share a personal experience I had last week that fits beautifully with where I believe the Lord wants to take us today. The scene, a stunning canyon in Zion National Park called The Narrows, known for its narrow width and massive depth.

Hikers navigate the Virgin River, which can be slippery and uneven. At times you're on dry ground. At other times you might be in water, chest high, or even as high as your neck. And some of that water is rushing like rapids. 

At one point I was hiking by myself going against the current, and as I carefully positioned each step to maintain balance, I also leaned into God's presence.  As I listened, He highlighted the water rushing over the landscape. There wasn't a single place that that water wasn't reaching, and in my heart I heard Him say, Lenee’, there isn't any place within you that I can't reach.

[00:02:00] Oh, I was so encouraged.

Isaiah 59:1 reminds us, “Behold, the Lord's hand is not shortened, that it cannot save neither his ear heavy, that it cannot hear. It's my heart's cry that the Redeemed Perfectionist Podcast will be a conduit for the river of the Holy Spirit to reach every part of you - polishing you, cleansing you, and restoring what the enemy tried to steal.

I invite you to subscribe, listen, and download those episodes that resonate most, so you can consistently be exposed to testimonies and teachings that help you navigate your redemption journey. And if an episode touches your heart, I encourage you to share it with somebody else. The way a seed is sown, you never know how God might use your sharing to reach someone else in need of his grace.

[00:03:00] . And friends, today we've got Tiffany Hemingway with us. Tiffany, welcome to the Redeem Perfectionist podcast. It's so good to have you. I was just thinking about when I first met you and your story, and I just can't wait for the listeners today to hear just the word of your testimony and how Jesus has transformed you.

Obviously, we talk a lot about perfectionism and breaking free from it on this show, and grace and what that really means 'cause we know perfectionism is rooted in legalism and law, and we want to break free and just really bring awareness to the reality and raise the conversation.

As you know, I'm doing a series on food disorders and the way in which perfectionism shows up in people's lives in that way. And you just have one of the most remarkable stories that I've heard. And Tiffany, I wanna go back to the beginning. 

[00:04:00] I know it was around twelve when the eating disorder really happened for you, but there's such a story that led up to that beginning with the way in which you were raised in the kind of home you were in.

I think you, you quoted a saved home, but not a kingdom home. Tell us a little bit about your upbringing and what life was like. 

Tiffany:  Yeah, I did grow up in a saved home where everyone was saved, but there was not a lot of direction. There was not a lot of teaching and instruction and how to steward your body and how to take care of yourself and how to put your everyday life together.

I think I really got caught up and lost in that and that was really difficult. My eating disorder really began around being eight years old. And before that my mom was a single 

[00:05:00] mom and my dad passed away shortly before I was nine years old. So, I didn't have that extra help. And we had just moved and we had moved into one of the wealthiest areas, but we were in the poorest neighborhood in one of the wealthiest neighborhoods.

So, I a lot of the time was left to myself didn't have all of the things that I need. And we were very poor. Yeah. So, for me, trying to figure that out, it was tricky, to say the least. Yeah. Your mom was very depressed, I think you even shared that at some point you suffered with bedwetting.

What did that look like for you? That was really hard when I went to school and I dealt with not knowing how to take care of 

[00:06:00] my own self and my mom having a lot going on herself. So going to school unwashed was a normal thing until I learned to do it myself and figuring that out. I struggled with anxiety and I struggled with depression when I was very young.

And I struggled with bedwetting for a long time until I was probably about 12 to 13. Yeah. My heart just breaks for that young girl. Did you have siblings, Tiffany, and what was going on in, in the household with them? I had three older siblings. I am the youngest and we have different fathers, but we were raised together, so we don't really think about it that way.

But it was different in our amount of resources because my dad passed away from cancer when I was

[00:07:00] eight and I was almost nine, and he was amazing and he loved me so much, but lacking that presence and not having him there was. Really just stuck something in the middle where it was an obstacle that I was having trouble getting through.

And so you had talked about moving to, I think you called it a wealthier area code when I talked with you, but you had described to me that was an act of God. Tell me more about that. 

Tiffany: It was, we originally lived in North Minneapolis, which was not a super safe area. We lived on Fremont.

This was a area where I used to walk to school by myself when I was young, and then we'd have shootings and then for a time I would not walk to school. It just, it's a high crime area. I don't know what it's like now, but it wasn't good when I was young and we had no 

[00:08:00] place to go when our land lady died and she owned the place and the, I think the place was originally owned by a church and so they had to sell it and we had no place to go.

And my mom just had a conversation with a coworker who was giving her a trailer for free. So, my mom said, absolutely, we'll take it. So that's how we found a place to live. Wow. And took us about 45 minutes across town into just wild it. It just happened to be an area that would've provided me a shift and a paradigm of resources that I would not have had originally.

Wow. So then how did life begin to change for you? Were you put into a new school? Obviously, you had talked to me before about being one of only a few brown 

[00:09:00] people, so how did life begin to unfold and what did that look like? 

When I first moved, I really didn't like it. It was such a culture shock for me that it was difficult.

I, I didn't know how I would I would make friends or anything and I missed so many days of school in the first couple months of school as I transitioned to this new place. And, as the years went by, yes, there were only a couple brown people here and there and definitely in the high school for sure.

I think maybe there was a couple in the middle school, but it was few and far between and yeah. That it added its own difficulty of just feeling uncomfortable. I can imagine. And so obviously, you're the youngest, right? Youngest of all your siblings, and you had all these adult 

[00:10:00] burdens at such a young age. It would only be natural that you would need to find a way to feel like you were in control. And if I remember correctly, weren't you in a health class or something like that when you learned about eating disorders? 

That is exactly where I learned about eating disorders.

I knew about dieting and I knew what I was doing, which was slightly being obsessive. I didn't know technical terms or anything beyond that, but in health class I was possibly 13. And so, I had been toying with eating disorder things since eight. And then as I heard the teacher and I can still see the classroom and the teacher standing up front and him telling us, this is what people with eating disorders do, these are the websites they go to.

[00:11:00] Wow. These are the tricks that they do. They, he laid out everything you could imagine and I wrote every single thing down and I said, I'm gonna go home and I'm going to do every single one of those. And that is, again, a new paradigm, a new shift that it spun me into and it was like putting gasoline on the flame.

It was cery dangerous, but that is how it began. Wow. I am still fascinated by that story. And clearly, no, no teacher would've hoped that it would have a reverse effect. And was there conversation from the teacher to the class about how bad these are and what disorder really means?

Absolutely. Okay. The teacher was saying, this is all very bad. Don't do this. But yeah. How, what is that gonna say to me? Absolutely nothing. And you mentioned that it added fuel to the fire and that around eight years 

[00:12:00] old, you started, down these paths that you could now put language to. Can you remember what was going through your head or was this happening at such a subconscious level? What were the behaviors? What did life look like at eight years old with food? I would say both that I remember there was the subconscious and there was also just the day-to-day thoughts that I had.

It definitely started with having a high, with losing weight a little bit. There's only so much you play around with when you're that young because your weight just stays the same. But if for some reason I got sick or maybe I lost a pound or two, I remember watching myself in the mirror and sucking my stomach in and feeling good when I felt as though I lost some weight.

That began really early and my 

[00:13:00] thoughts were very obsessive. They were very obsessive compulsive. I definitely struggled with OCD looking back now, I can see that when I was younger and that tied into all of that as well. It was a hell I would say. Yeah, I dealt with a lot of anxiety and a lot of depression, but again, I was alone in a lot of my thoughts, so I didn't understand that.

So that was my head.  I have an avid memory of cutting my skin probably around five or six. If that tells you where my head was. Yeah so self-harm and cutting was a thing for you also, which doesn't surprise me. Again, there's just so much fruit from the same root, right?

It manifests in so many different ways. It's all of which is just an attempt to control the world around because it is so scary and feels so outta control. Ugh.

[00:14:00] Were you one who restricted yourself in the form of starvation, or were you more of a binger and then purge? 

I would say that I tried anything that I felt would work or get me the results that I wanted.

Gotcha. So, I started initially with playing around with restricting. I didn't understand it too much, but just a little bit here and there. And once I had that health class and I discovered what purging was and how to do it and all the details, I started to experiment with that as well. Yeah. 

Do you recall, did you start to feel even more in control and did you start to feel better?  Or would you say you spiraled even more after that? 

It was a false sense of relief. Yeah. Yeah. That's where I'm heading. 

[00:15:00] It was, yeah, I felt better because I was looking for some type of peace. I felt chaos in my life and when I would. I didn't have the self-control of, and I don't mean just like self-control, not to eat a lot, but self-control to organize my own life.

So, I didn't have life self-control. And then I would binge. I like to explain it a lot as I didn't just deal with bulimia, but I had a bulimic life. Yeah. All consuming. It's just very chaotic. It's not a peaceful kind of mind and head space. And then I would throw up and that gave me a sense of peace and calm and it was definitely false, but yes, that I felt.

And you were, you were only eating 300 or so calories a day, sometimes less. Am I correct with that? Yes. 

[00:16:00] So that was my restriction schedule and weird. Weird rules, but I would do 300 calories and then I would burn off. I would go on the elliptical and I would burn off the 300 calories. That's pretty much all I did was the elliptical and running.

And just in my little young mind, I would go and eat that and then burn that off. Now if I were to go and binge, then the calories are probably countless. I don't even know. I specifically have a memory going to a buffet with one of my friends and we were going in and getting all of this food and someone made a comment as we were walking past about us not gonna keep that down anyhow, which was correct actually, because we weren't.

But it was, apparent to people outside of me as well. It sounds like it. I would imagine physically you, do you even remember about how much you weighed and how tall are you, Tiffany?

[00:17:00] I'm five, seven and three quarters. So, I'm almost five eight. Yeah. And I don't remember exactly how much I weighed, but I know that I lost 40 pounds within the first month and a half or month of school.

Yes, my weight went up and down and it was pretty bad to where my teachers all got in agreement and came together. And the reason why my mom initially got some help for me was because my teachers called my mom and they got together and they said, we noticed this about your daughter and I actually remember the moment that it happened, I was really struggling and they brought me in at school to a room and I just as they, they brought it up to me, I just burst into tears and started crying and yeah, I was just fragile. I was fragile. Yeah. 

[00:18:00] And I didn't really know, I didn't know how dangerous it was and I didn't know what I was really doing at the time.

Yeah. Yeah. So, this was a real true intervention really. And another God moment. Isn't it amazing how God was always with you through it all. Looking back, you can see those points where He showed up through people or through situations and I think sometimes we are aware we're aware that there's an issue, but we're too afraid to face it.

We don't know how to face it. And so, we just continue down the road of death really. And then here He came with some light and some life and it just broke you. It's almost like a relief of sorts, really. Somewhere even in your subconscious, you knew there was a real problem. And I can only imagine.

I can just, my heart goes out. Gosh. And so, it got really bad. 

Had your family been saying anything to you at 

[00:19:00] all, or was it like, this moment with the teachers was when your family started to get involved? 

My siblings were older and it was mostly me and my mom most of the time. And my brother also lived with us, but they were older. So, my mom, when she got that phone call, that was the moment that she thought, maybe there's something going on. She initially just thought, oh, I just thought Tiffany was losing weight. And when they told her this is pretty bad, it was.

I just don't think it registered. I, yeah, I don't think it was something that she comprehended. And for a lot of people as well, it's hard for them to comprehend outside of the eating disorder concept because it is crazy. It's wild. So, when she heard it from the teachers, that was the first moment of understanding, oh, this is bad.

[00:20:00] Yeah. Okay. Okay. And so, I would assume at that point there was a little bit more hyper-awareness around it. And at what point, I know there was a season where purging was more common. I think you had talked about three times a day you would purge. Was that pretty normal for you? 

So, when I got the initial help and the teachers came to help me, although it was a relief, it just wasn't all of the help that I needed.  And the other part of it is that I wasn't at a place where I wanted to get better. I wanted the eating disorder. That's key. That's really key. It was my safety and until someone was gonna give me something else to replace it, I wasn't willing to give it up because why would I give that up when I can't be guaranteed safety?

Of course, God is that, but in my mind at that time, that is how I was feeling. Yeah. 

[00:21:00] So my eating disorder began to spiral more and just intensify until it was a full-blown addiction. The closest thing that you could imagine it is watching those intervention documentaries of how intense it was.  Yeah. And where it was the only goal I had in life, and I would do almost anything to maintain it. I did get to a point where I was throwing up three times a day for at least a year and a half. Sometimes only once and sometimes more than three. But it, that was pretty normal. And that was for about a year and a half.

And I did it so much that I lost my gag reflex. So very disturbing. But I got to a point where I was putting baking powder in spoonfuls and I would stuff it

[00:22:00] down my throat, and then I would drink a cup of water. I would let it sit for a minute or so, and then I would throw up because it helped replace the gag reflex.

Wow. Wow. And so, I remember you telling me about there were bags of vomit found in your room. Is that right? And at what point was that? 

So, I had a point at which I went to the hospital I was in and out of hospitals at this point and maybe 14 or 15 something around that time. And there was a point at which they took my vitals and said, we have to keep you for liability sake.  If you were to step outside and die, then we would be held responsible. Because that's how close my vitals were to death. 

Wow. So, they kept me, and I wanna say it was probably around a month that 

[00:23:00] they kept me in there. And while that was happening, my family was going through my bedroom. I had family in college that came back and they went through my bedroom and cleaned it out and they found I had big giant garbage bags that I had filled with small Target bags to the rim filled with vomit. 

So I would puke in a small target bag and I would tie it up. And then I would take the normal industrial kitchen that you use and I would stuff it full of little bags of vomit and that would go all the way up to the top. And I had about seven of those big garbage bags [Wow] in my room. And that's how I would try to conceal my vomiting is I would just take a piece of paper and I would fold it and then I would stuff it down my throat. 'cause my fingers didn't do anything anymore. Sometimes the paper would work and I would stuff it down my throat to vomit. 

[00:24:00] And so I filled up those bags with the paper and everything else. And it was just scattered in my bedroom, hidden under anything, clothes, anything you could imagine to hide it. And it stunk. Yes. If you say didn't they smell it? Yeah, it smelled. Oh. that's almost like a type of hoarding, which is also a way to try to control the world around you. 

Did you think that you couldn't throw your Target bag out in the big trash or in the dumpster somewhere? Was that just truly because you had to conceal it and you felt like that's what you were doing?

I would say it was definitely concealing and then an anxiety and an overwhelm where it just felt so overwhelming to me that I couldn't begin to figure out how to deal with it and how to clean it, and I couldn't risk 

[00:25:00] walking past someone and them seeing it. Yeah. And I just hid it and I was too anxious to figure out how to conceal it.

Yeah. One of the things that I think is so profound and necessary for all of us to talk about - there's a true recovery. True overcoming can never happen until we actually are ready and want it to. 

At what point, where, when was your tipping point, when you finally realized enough is enough and something has to change?

Interestingly enough, it didn't feel like it was my choice. So, at this point, I had been in and out of the hospitals. I ended up going to the hospital again because once again, my gag reflex was not working and I was looking for ways to remedy that. And I saw online on these sites that I got from my school, that if you would just overdose on medication, then it's no problem.

[00:26:00] You go to the hospital, they pump your stomach, you don't have to have those calories anymore 'cause they pump your stomach and you're fine. So, I said, that's a great idea. I'm gonna go ahead and try that. And I took a container and a half of Tylenol and I downed it and I went to my mom and I said, mom, I think maybe I should go to the hospital because I think I might have taken a little bit too much for my headache.

And my mom thought, okay, she asked a couple questions and she ended up calling Poison control and they said, just go ahead and bring her in. So, when I got there, they were ready for me. And as they started taking my vitals and they started taking everything, immediately, they pulled me back.   They separated me from my mom. I honestly have no idea where she was from my memories.

[00:27:00] I just remember she wasn't there anymore. And it was just me behind all the doctors. And it just became serious. A doctor came in and he was very kind to me, and he asked me a few questions and I just kept saying the same thing.

I just had a headache. I just had a headache. And he said, I don't believe you. And then finally I said, here's the truth. And I told him, and he said, I believe you. Ugh. And they didn't say too much. After that, they gave me some medicine, which ended up being charcoal and, I took the charcoal, which is meant to absorb all the toxins or all of the medicine, in this case, the Tylenol.

And I just, I slept. I didn't know until years later, my sister told me that my family was praying all night for me because they were told that I was probably not going to make it through the night. 

[00:28:00] Oh, my word after that is when it began to get worse. So you'd think, okay, now I'm gonna get it together.  Absolutely not. I have no reason to. When you are not explicitly, when you're not explicitly either teaching by practice or telling your children, what's the purpose of life? Where are you meant to go with how you stewarding yourself that. If you are not touching on identity and stewardship, which healthy parents do all the time.

Yeah. And don't realize what they're doing. But if you're making that thing and you're not teaching that to your children, it can become very confusing. And I did not have a why and I didn't have a reason to continue to make goals or have a vision. So, it got worse. I went home and continued to do the same thing over and over.

And in 11th grade I ended up dropping outta school because there was that one point at which I gained weight 

[00:29:00] and looking back, it was probably three pounds and bloating, but, that was the world to me. So, I can't go to school today. And I didn't go to school today, and then I never went back.  And I dropped out at 11th grade. And so, the turning point for me was after things had continuously gotten worse and I was scared, I actually was scared all the time because I had already been told that my heart was eating itself and I had an irregular heartbeat. And I would feel it and I would try to see how is my heart beating right now?

And I was afraid that I would go to sleep and not wake up. And normally you ask anyone with an eating disorder, they do not wanna go to treatment because you'll gain weight. Yeah. But I was so scared that I was gonna go to sleep and never wake up again, that I finally thought, okay, I am open. So, I got a call from one of the caseworkers from my old 

[00:30:00] school that said, there's an open bed at Methodist Hospital, you can go have it. And I thought, I think I wanna do that. And I told my mom and I said, mom, there's an open bed at the hospital. And she said, no, you either stop or you die.

Oh, wow. Wow. Yeah. And I was pretty mad. I was furious because I remember at this point, I was 17 years old and I thought, I am a minor. You're supposed to take care of me. And I was terrified. And I went on a walk and I still remember where I went on that walk. I still remember where I was when I looked up to the sky.

After not praying in years. I said, God, help me. And I turned around and I walked home. And that was the beginning of the rest of my life. Ugh. And so, what I hear in some of that is, you found your why. You knew you didn't wanna die. 

[00:31:00] That was why enough for you to make a change. Fear of dying. That was enough.  That was enough of a why. But here, of course, the enemy came in. It was a bit of a test for you because now you were willing and just as you started to take the step toward life, it was like the enemy came in and shut you down. But the Lord allowed it. He knew what, what you were gonna choose.

It was a bit of a test, and you wanted life enough that you chose life. You found a way. In spite of the door that was trying to shut by the enemy. And so, I love this point in the story. I remember this point where we were talking and it wasn't like you didn't feel anything majorly crazy when you prayed that prayer, but then the story begins to unfold and he began to woo you through poetry.

Tell us more about that. 

Absolutely. And you're right about that shift. 

[00:32:00] I kept having adults either not make a decision for me or it was just left in the air. And finally at that moment where my mom said. No, you either stop or you die. My life was truly in my hands, and looking back I can see that was the Holy Spirit speaking through her because my mom doesn't remember.

She struggles remembering a lot of things, but I'm telling you, she does not remember even saying that. And I've even talked to her recently where she is. No, Tiffany, I do not remember that. I do believe that was the Holy Spirit saying, this is your last try. You are about, you're about to go.

So, we can't even I love that. So, it's not even so much the enemy was shutting the door. The Lord was trying you, you were being purified by fire and it was a real test and he was inviting you to make that true decision, is what it sounds like. Absolutely. Yeah. I, at that point, I was saved.

I got saved at three years old 

[00:33:00] when my sister told me about Jesus. And so I had the Holy Spirit, but I wasn't utilizing the Holy Spirit and I was grieving the Holy Spirit. Yeah. And I felt so far away from the Lord, and God gave me one more warning. I cannot tell you how scary that was, but when that cha that change happened, everything began to change.

And although I was a very naughty teen, I loved books. Books opened up the education that I didn't get in school, not because my teachers weren't great, but because I, Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, talks about how you need food and water and shelter and safety. Yeah. Before you even begin to comprehend books and reading and all of those things.

And so, when I'm in survival mode and I'm worrying about my everyday things and my everyday 

[00:34:00] survival and then my everyday emotional survival, there's just no way that I can begin to excel in school. And so, my default was I read nonstop constantly. I read everything you could imagine.

When I was very young, I had a thesaurus that was one of my favorite books. And I just read the thesaurus and the dictionary and my siblings, their college books that they would have or high school books. I read those. So that gave me an education. The thing that God used to really help save my education was the fact that I was a good reader.

And so, I used that to my, yeah. And because of that, also transformed my love of poetry and just, everything going on in my head, I absolutely loved poetry, anything creative, and that is exactly what God did. He spoke to me through something that I truly loved. 

[00:35:00] And when I found Psalm 55, it was the most beautiful thing that I had ever read in my life.

And coming from just try to imagine the prison that I was in and to read that I had wings like a dove for then I would fly away and be at rest. For me, wow. I've never read anything more beautiful. And that is how I began to hang out with Jesus and grew and establish that relationship where I didn't know a lot of things. I didn't know the everyday things. What do you do when you wake up and how do you take care of yourself? And then how do you plan for tomorrow and next week and next year and five years down the road? I didn't know any of that. I barely knew how to tell time.

Yeah. I had a moment with a teacher where I was learning, I wanna say I was in French class, and this is before I dropped outta school, and I was struggling with time and she said, 

[00:36:00] wait, do you know how to tell? Just normal time. And I just stared at her and I didn't know what to say because the truth is I didn't really know how to tell time.

I just, I didn't not know how to tell time, but I really struggle with it. Or counting change in front of people. It took working at several fast-food jobs before I became comfortable with that. So yes, the Lord began this journey of teaching me things, wooing me, pulling me in, and he began with poetry. And that's how we began our, really, our friendship.

Ugh. I love it. I love it so much. And so really, as you began to feed on life and feed on His word, it was the life that was the light of men. It became your light. And if I remember correctly, your appetite and your desires began to change, which is what happens when we truly surrender to the Lord and let his spirit grow in us.

[00:37:00] And so He was, he's basically reteaching you life. Absolutely.

There was a point you had quoted to me. I realized I had to surrender fully and he told me I abused beauty. Tell me more about that. 

Yes, that was directly after I prayed that prayer to the Lord and I surrendered my whole life to Him, and I gave Him everything. Looking back, maybe there are some things that I would've done a little bit differently, but at the time, just with the information I had, I said, I am going to give you my friends, Lord.

I'm gonna give you fashion, makeup, all of those things. And I didn't necessarily think they were bad, but I did feel the Holy Spirit saying that I had abused veauty, the things I have, not what beauty is used for, because we're not taught how to steward beauty. Yeah.

Oftentimes in the church we're taught that it's 

[00:38:00] dangerous or it can be bad, but there's an art to it. Yeah. There's anything else that God, it's a gift and he wants us to steward it yeah. And I knew I had abused it, and so I gave everything to the Lord essentially that I thought I had not done right.

And then He took it and that began this new season for me. Yeah. That's gosh, that's so beautiful. And it sounds like you started going to church and you gained some healthy weight. Correct. What did your relationship with food begin to look like at this point? 

At that point, I began going to church with my brother, and he was already going and I just joined him.I was eating very nutritious, healthy foods and I did gain probably 15, 20 pounds, something of that, and it was really hard. It was, it's interesting. 

[00:39:00] It's the kind of things that the doctors tell you won't happen because typically the women will just kill themselves essentially. Bulimia is very dangerous. We learned this when I was an inpatient, there are some people who abuse water so poorly where they don't drink it because they don't wanna gain weight that the minute they drink some it goes straight to their heart and they die. And it's the same thing for some women. They can purge for a long time and somehow survive.

And some women, they purge two or three times something with their heart immediately happens and they die immediately. And so, this was really hard for me because I was giving him the one thing for me that was my identity. And so, if me reaching a certain standard of beauty or size was my life, and I gave that to Him because no longer did I 

[00:40:00] look the way that I wanted to every single day leaving the house, God knows how hard that was for me. I can't even articulate it. It was so horrendous. Yeah. And every single morning I would write verses on my hands, on little piece of papers everywhere. I would stick them in my purse.

And whenever I had to leave the door, I had to go outside my safety net. I would just say them over and over and over just to function. And there's also types of OCD, a lot of the OCD that I had, most professionals will tell you'll never get rid of that kind of OCD, never. And I used the same technique to overcome the horrific OCD that I had.

And I just kept that verse in my head over and over. And I went to church and I started this new learning showing up. I would normally, before I would cancel on everything because I couldn't be present when I didn't feel safe. Yeah. But now I'm safety from a new 

[00:41:00] source and peace from a new source.

So, I began to show up when I was supposed to and rely on the strength of the Lord. And I did gain weight and I did start going to church. And it was a really tricky season, but it was, oh, it was beautiful. I had so many women growing in the Lord and speaking to Him. And mind you, I didn't have anyone outside of that church to talk to about these things.

I was solely relying on the Lord. I think that's one of the most fascinating parts to your story that I love. 'cause I will often tell people there's more than one way to skin a cat. Some people have overcome through counseling and utilizing the various types of counseling that are out there.

Some people maybe have a church community and sponsorships through different programs like AA and things of that nature. There are so many different ways to walk through healing. 

[00:42:00] I've had so many different kinds of modalities that I've utilized in my own journey with the Lord. But it's also so possible to overcome just with Him and you.

Your hunger was so there and so present that it gave permission for the Lord to teach you through his word and through the spirit that you didn't even need, man. And I think that's extremely important for our listeners to understand that you got to a place where you made a choice.

You finally had a why, and then you engaged your will and then you went seeking. And He loves a seeking heart. And we know His scriptures say that He will reveal Himself when we seek Him with all of our heart. And that's exactly what He did with your life. It is so fascinating to me. Yeah, it was a lot of work.

[00:43:00] And I will say the first season, it was a long season, and it was me and Him, and as seasons changed, He definitely used different tactics and different ways and community. But that, that first one, yeah, it was definitely me and Him for the bulk of it. Yeah. There was a point at which you began to be exposed to various sources that began to teach you a lot about neuroscience and regulating dopamine and just the different scientific aspects of healing. Tell us more about that. 

Yeah I went through a lot of things after of initially giving up everything to the Lord, I ended up slowly feeling as though the Holy Spirit was reintroducing things to me. I had a morning where one day I just felt that God was speaking to my spirit and saying, you can wear makeup again.

[00:44:00] And I just remember thinking what? Are you sure? I don't wanna get this wrong Lord. Like I, I know I've abused it before and I just felt that freedom and that release. Yeah. And so, it's not a dumbing thing. It, it wasn't, when your parent tells you, no, you can't use that jacket today, or, no, you can't use the car today.

He's your parent's not saying cars are bad. Yeah. Parent is saying. You cannot use it today. Maybe next week I've got something going on with it or I have to take it on an errand. So not today. And that's how I feel. That's how I would relate the makeup thing. I don't believe God says no to makeup. I believe for He just said, not right now, Tiffany.

And I said, okay. Yeah. And I didn't understand it fully, but I wasn't gonna ask a million questions. And I felt, initially I felt that release of Him saying, you can do that now. And slowly I felt as though He was saying 

[00:45:00] more of, okay, you can experiment more with fashion. You can do more of these things.

Just opening up those doors for me. And slowly that was changing and a lot happened through those time period, that next time period I ended up getting married and I had three children. And we had gone through a lot. We had moved a lot, and we ended up in our final house and my husband just got back from his third deployment and from the military and he got home and it was just so many changes being in a new house and being away from family, and it was a lot to go through.

I ended up dealing with depression and anxiety pretty bad, and I know how to get out of it. I was still doing better, but I, spent years trying to learn and learning from the Lord of how to regulate myself, how to take care of myself, and I didn't fully know. 

[00:46:00] And really listening to Andrew Huberman and Jordan Peterson.And I started learning about the brain and the body and the mind. And I really got fascinated with neuroscience and I really got fascinated with Wow. So also, not only do we need to learn how to steward our beauty, we need to learn how to steward our brain. Yeah. And the brain is a gift. The Lord gives it to us.

Yeah. And if it's not steward well, it might not work great. Like a car. You take your car in, you get little repairs, you get the oil changed. If you don't go, the oil changed for five years and you just say, I don't get it. My car is not acting right. It's a no-brainer. You are not taking care of your car.

And when I learned how to take care of my brain, it just opened up. A completely new door for me. I began to implement these things, the use of sunlight. 

[00:47:00] I would listen to these three hour podcasts or whoever long podcasts are, and I would eat up every single word. Every single word. And I just, it changed my life. Ugh. I love it so much. And you were, when you were talking about the makeup, back to that point, I heard such protection in the voice of God there. “No daughter, I'm actually, you don't realize that I'm protecting you from yourself right now. And then I wanna make sure your foundation is strong and that you can properly steward this thing.”

And, that's the heart of God. If we look at God's direction absent of relationship, and we just look at it from a legal standpoint, we will miss the heart of God. But when you have relationship with Him and you begin to trust His heart for you, you understand his timing is what's best, and you begin to be able to receive and trust in his sovereignty and that He's a good Father.

And his motives are always redemptive, always. 

[00:48:00] Totally. I, if I'm not mistaken, I think there's a part in the Bible that talks about how the Lord was strengthening the Israelites and then he would entice the enemy to then attack them.

Yeah. Because the whole goal was for the Israelites to gain something in the end. Yes. And so He, they were strong enough and then He said, okay, now you can attack the Israelites because then they'll fight and then they'll win. Yes. And that was the same thing. It was first let's strengthen Tiffany before Yes putting something else in her hands. Yeah. There's probably a few different passages, but one of my faves is in Exodus 23, right around 29 through 31 it's talking about the Israelites and it's talking about them taking over a particular land, but he said I will not drive them out all at once.

[00:49:00] So He is talking about He promises not to drive out the inhabitants of the land all at once. He said instead he will drive them out gradually to prevent the land from becoming desolate and to allow the Israelites to increase in, strengthen numbers, to take possession of the land themselves. It says, but I will not drive them out in a single year because the land would become desolate and the wild animals too numerous for you.

So it was a gradual process so that they, the Israelites could grow in number and strength, making them capable of managing the land so that it wouldn't become desolate. We gotta be able to manage the land properly. That's the stewardship. And its animals. And then also we don't wanna be taken over by the land itself.

We have to be strong enough to be able to handle the inhabitants that would normally have taken us over. That is just one of my favorites. 

[00:50:00] When I feel like God's not moving fast enough, it's there's probably real purpose in that. Lenee’, you're probably not quite ready for that land.

The promise He's given you, it's coming, but He's gonna make darn sure you can handle it first. Absolutely. No, you wouldn't give a 1-year-old, an expensive China set and say, go take this into the kitchen. Yes. That's worth a million dollars. Go take this into the kitchen, because they're not even trying to do anything bad whatsoever.

They're little muscles probably aren't strong enough and their balance is off very easily. The tiniest thing can set them off, in a second. It's fallen, it's shattered. God loves us too much. The inheritance He has for us, He will give to us in little bits when we can hold it without dropping it.

That's so right. And when it won't crush us because He wants life. He said, I came to bring life and that more abundantly. 

[00:51:00] He wants us to experience the abundant life. Man. But we do have to do our part too. And I'm just I'm just so blessed by your story, Tiffany and what does life look like today for you and for your family?

Do your kids know your story? Are they old enough yet for that? What does that look like? My kids are still really little, so I have not told them my story, but I definitely will. One day. Right now, I work as a personal stylist and I have a job in Charleston. So, we live in Charleston.

And so my company is House of Hemingway because my story is that God redeemed fashion for me. Yeah. And love of wanting to understand how to steward beauty. And that's it's men's and women's styling and it's such a joy for me. 

[00:52:00] I have always loved it and I've been styling all of my friends and family since I was very young.

And probably shouldn't have, but that's how you learn and life for me now is definitely incorporating my children as much as I can. And hopefully when they're a little bit older, they can help me out more. But it is just a quiet life, just living out here and. I love it. Yes.

That's amazing. Tiffany, what would you say to our listener who is still maybe struggling with some things today? What would be the advice you would want to give her? Oh man. My number one piece of advice that comes to mind is not my advice. It's from Jordan Peterson, which is do the smallest thing that you can possibly commit to doing today, and then do that again tomorrow and the next day.

And the next day. And even if that means you are 

[00:53:00] making a goal to just make your bed, just put your shoes by the door. Just the smallest thing that you can possibly get yourself to do. Yeah. And commit to do it. And do it the next day. Yes. I think what I love about that, and that's exactly, I use that same approach with folks that I mentor and when we remove something from our life, it's so healthy and important to replace it with something better, with something else, especially in the beginning when you first start practicing, overcoming, it's an exercise and the way that you build that muscle, just like in the natural exercise, you have to do repetitions and continue to add weight and grow stronger and stronger. And before you know it God does his part.

You give Him just a little bit and He will do the rest. And it's just amazing to watch people be completely transformed by the renewing of their mind and by doing that very approach that you just talked about. Absolutely. 

[00:54:00] That's pretty much the story of my life is what God was teaching me through this whole journey is two things.

He's asking, do you know who you are and do you know what you have? Understanding those two things is what changed my life and I could compare all I want, but there's a part of one of CS Lewis, I think his essays where he talks about it isn't that someone is so much better than someone else, that is this depiction of the fruit in their life and are they a great Christian?

It is. Where did they start and where are they now? Yeah, I would say that was so helpful for me because. I still have so much to work on. Yeah. But when I, about where I started and how some days it feels like I wasn't supposed to even make it past level three, and I'm on level 25 and I'm still unsure of myself.

I think I need to give myself some grace. Yeah. 

[00:55:00] I just remember those two foundational things, which is identity and stewardship. Who am I and what am I doing with what I have? And I would say to any young woman, do you know who you are? Do you know what the purpose of life is? And do you know how to steward everything that you have?

I agree. And I think of so many of the women and this was my story too, in my head. I knew who I was in the Lord, but I really didn't know it deep down. And then he began to expose the root of my inability to receive that truth, and that had to do with shame. And so, if you're listening today and you're struggling with the counsel that's being provided, consider that there may be shame, which is so often where it all begins, right? The first sin is when shame entered the world. And that's usually the result of trauma or sin 'cause we just didn't know better. 

[00:56:00] Or we’re born with a nature that doesn't wanna follow the Lord. I say that all the time. We have a nature scripture says that's contrary to the Lord.

And so, if we don't have anyone guiding us, then we're gonna naturally follow the sinful nature and shame just becomes a part of who we are. And when I began to see that for what it was now light had been shed, and now I was inspired to partner with God and begin to go after the Kingdom and take it by force, which is what you did.

The scripture talks about. Taking the kingdom by force. It's not a lackadaisical approach. You have to engage and you have to do the work. But my goodness, what you will gain as a result of that is pure kingdom and life and strength and joy and the life abundantly that he talks about and that He promises and you gain Him.

The end of the day. You gain Him. Absolutely. The Kingdom. The Kingdom life. Yeah. That's right. 

[00:57:00] And I had a great mentor at some point say the Kingdom is anywhere that the king Has dominion and the King has so much more dominion now in your world. And I love what you said about especially we perfectionists never think we have done enough.

And so, I often have to stop, look back and take inventory of the progress and celebrate the wins and give myself a hug and a pat on the back. Good job for taking that next step today. We've gotta do that. We've gotta be able to encourage ourself in the Lord as well and really count the wins along the way.

Count the progress, it matters. Absolutely. And the Lord says that he delights in small beginnings. He loves to see the work begin. What an encouragement you are to the world, Tiffany. I'm wondering if you would feel comfortable saying a prayer for our listeners as we close out today?

I would love to. 

[00:58:00] Awesome. I just thank you for this beautiful day, God. I just have such a heart for young women who are trying to figure out their life, God. So, I just speak to any listener, women, men, anyone, Lord, who just feels overwhelmed by managing themselves, by trying to figure out what they need to do.

That is where my heart is. And I have so much compassion for people because we are just trying to figure this out from day to day. And so, I just pray for peace now in Jesus' name. And I do really believe that there is a demonic spirit and eating disorder demonic spirit that had to be canceled over my life.

And so we pray right now, if anyone is listening and has that demonic spirit, we cancel that right now in the name of Jesus, and we ask for your peace to be released, for their eyes to be open, and for the 

[00:59:00] enemy's voice to shut in their head so that they could hear truth, that they could hear goodness, and they could feel the real peace of the Holy Spirit.

I ask that whoever is listening would get help for. Anything that might be going on in their life, that they would seek that community, that they would seek, that fellowship, whatever is going to help them get what they need, Lord, that you would bless their day, that you would put them in your hands, Lord, and that they would see their true identity in you.

In Jesus’ mighty name. Amen. Amen. 

Oh, Tiffany, thank you. I just bless you. I bless your family. I bless your job. I bless the season that you're in and your walk with the Lord. Thank you for what a gift you are to, to the Kingdom and to the world.

What a remarkable story, Tiffany's story is. 

[01:00:00] It's a powerful reminder that redemption, it's both a moment, but it's also a process. And I think Tiffany's story shows us that freedom begins when we actually make the choice to believe God's love is bigger than our shame, and to keep saying yes as He leads us step by step into wholeness.

If you're walking through your own process today, remember the Lord delights in small beginnings, as it says in Zechariah 4.

You don't have to have it all figured out. You just have to take the next step in His direction. Thanks again for joining us for the Redeem Perfectionist.

If this episode blessed you, remember to share it with somebody who needs hope. I also invite you to head on over to Facebook where we have a community of women who are locking arms and helping one another navigate their journey. It's called the Redeemed Perfectionist, and there is a seat at the table for you.  And sis, remember, you are 

[01:01:00] loved, you are chosen, and you don't have to be perfect to be redeemed. 

💗