Good Church Girl to Prodigal: How Christian Perfectionism Twisted the Gospel (Part 1/2) | 019

Read Amy's full story in her new book, Ring of Fire.  Get your copy here!

Learn more about Amy at www.amydial.com.  

If you’ve ever thought, “I grew up in church—I should know better by now,” or you’ve lived with the quiet fear that one wrong move might get you kicked out of God’s good graces… this episode will meet you right where you are.

Welcome to The Redeemed Perfectionist, the podcast for high-achieving Christian women who are exhausted from striving, trapped in perfectionism, and ready to rest in God’s grace. In Part 1 of a 2-part series, host Leneé Pezzano interviews Amy Dial—author of Ring of Fire and a Kingdom identity coach—as she shares a gripping real-life prodigal daughter story.

Amy’s childhood was a beautiful picture of a loving, Jesus-centered home. No obvious broken-family narrative. No major trauma story. And yet, perfectionism, legalism, and a religious spirit slowly twisted the gospel into fear, punishment, and performance-based faith. As pressure mounted, Amy began to question God’s goodness, drift from intimacy, and step into choices she never believed she’d make.

In this episode, you’ll hear:

• Why a strong Christian upbringing doesn’t make you “bulletproof” in spiritual warfare
• How perfectionism and legalism distort the gospel and fuel fear of punishment
• How shame and identity wounds can pull believers into secrecy and double-living
• Why “white-knuckling” obedience leads to exhaustion, not freedom
• How the enemy lays bait for the heart long before the “big” fall

This is a grace-led, truth-telling conversation for anyone who’s battled the pressure to be perfect for God, felt disqualified by failure, or struggled to trust His heart. And it’s only Part 1.

Subscribe now so you don’t miss Part 2 in two weeks, where we talk about what happens after the breaking point—how God meets us in the mess, restores identity, and l

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Transcript

Good Church Girl’ to Prodigal: How Christian Perfectionism Twisted the Gospel (Part 1) | 019

If you have ever thought I grew up in church, I should know better by now, or you've secretly believed that one wrong move might get you kicked out of God's good graces, this episode is for you. Hey friend. Welcome back to the Redeemed Perfectionist podcast. I'm your host, Lenee’ Pezzano, and for many years I believed God was so angry with me that every sin would lead me that much closer to being kicked out of the Kingdom. 

Striving for God's love became the fabric of my DNA until Grace showed up and delivered me. Now, stories like the one you're about to hear are helping women like you remember that performance is not God's standard for righteousness, but a surrendered heart and obedient response is.

Be sure to subscribe and tune in every other Tuesday for your reminder that the work of the Cross freed us from having to do this in our own strength. 

[00:01:00] You've likely heard of the story of the prodigal son, but today we're talking about a real life prodigal daughter. My friend Amy Dial, an author and Kingdom identity coach whose story is honestly right up there with David and Bathsheba. I'm not even kidding. 

She grew up in a loving Jesus centered home. No trauma story, no obvious broken family narrative, and yet perfectionism, religion, and an unseen spiritual war slowly pulled her from beloved daughter to deeply broken and far from herself. In part one of her story, here's what you're going to hear: how a girl who knew she was loved still ended up questioning her identity and worth, why a good Christian upbringing 

[00:02:00] does not make you bulletproof in the spirit, how perfectionism and a religious spirit twisted the gospel into fear, punishment, and performance, and how the enemy quietly lays bait for our hearts long before we ever step into the big sins.

This is not a shame episode. This is a grace-led, truth-telling, Jesus-is-better-than-your-performance-episode. So, take a breath. You don't have to grade yourself for God right now. Let's step into Amy's story together and let God meet you right in the middle of yours. 

All Participants: Well, Amy, welcome to the Redeemed Perfectionist podcast Sister. It's, uh, I can already feel the anointing. So, listeners, listen, we're prayed up, we're dressed up, we're warriored up, and it's gonna be a powerful message today. Let's just start with who you are.

[00:03:00] You're an author, you're a kingdom identity coach. Yes. You just published a book Ring of Fire, which we're gonna get into (by the Grace of God).

Where were you born and raised? 

Oh, I was born and raised in a tiny Texas town, uh, Kuntz, Texas. I'm telling you, if we had 3,200 people, we were doing good. Okay. Small, small Texas town. And I was born to amazing parents, very godly parents, and they loved us with all that they had.

I was born into a large family. I am the only daughter and I'm the youngest of five. Um, but it was, it was a good life. A small town, good life. But as you saw in my story, I'm sure we'll talk about, the enemy still knows your number. That's right. Wherever you're at and he'll come for you.

Uh, so yeah. Well, you know, and that's a great segue, Amy, because one of the things that I find fascinating that you shared in your book is that your childhood, unlike so many other 

[00:04:00] people, was truly a beautiful picture. you describe having a deep connection. Right. It was nostalgic.

Love so much. Love. So much love. So, you had this deep, gentle love of a mother. Mm-hmm. Totally. As you talk about in your book, a known security of belonging to your father. Yeah. I was daddy's girl. Your family unit, you were daddy's girl. Mm-hmm. Your family unit was very happy, very loving.

Yes. Um, you said each of us siblings seemed to understand our place and we were all secure in our identity that our dad saw us and loved us. Mistakes and all. Yes. So, what a unique foundation that so many people don't have growing up. Yeah. And many people then, because they don't have a strong foundation, veer off and look for love in all the wrong places and go off the deep end 

Yeah. But even still with the foundation you had, you have quite the story. Yes, I do. And so 

[00:05:00] really in your book, you basically touch on, in order to understand your story, you first have to understand the nature of humanity really. And the fall. So, touch on that just for a little bit so that we can set the table for your story, if you will.

So, as I talk about in the book. I thought I was bulletproof in the spirit because like you said, I was raised in such a loving home. I was secure. I had four older brothers. We knew who we were and we knew whose we were. Not just my earthly parents, but because our parents were so grounded in, so rooted in their faith and they, like, that wasn't an option in our house.

You didn't get to choose if you go to church or not. You didn't get to choose if you serve God or not. My mom had a door knocker and now my mom and dad both passed away in 2023. And, when she passed away, I actually got the door knocker and put it on my door knocker. It's from Joshua where it says, as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.

[00:06:00] And that is a, that's a foundation in our family lineage. And all of my brothers are the same way with their kids. So, you know, like you said, so many people don't have that upbringing, but it's not, I'm probably gonna get some hate for this statement, but I don't really think it's so much about your circumstances of how you were brought up or what your environment was.

We, because of the fall mm-hmm. We're all born Yeah. With a nature's that doesn't wanna follow the Lord.

That's my point. We are all bent towards sin. We are all flesh. And flesh is pride. Yeah. And so now I do, I do appreciate the fact that your circumstances cannot obviously make things worse. Yeah. But I was born into really. Blessed circumstances. Yeah. But I still fell. And that's because my nature as a human is sin.

This is why I need a Savior. This is why you need a Savior. We cannot do it on our own. 

[00:07:00] We cannot. We cannot do it on our own. Yeah. We have to have Jesus. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, you say you went from a little girl who knew she was loved and seen to a woman questioning her very identity and place in the world.

You said, I became deeply broken, unsure of who I was or why I was here. But as we're also going to hear you were restored back to the way things were supposed to be. So, I can't wait to get there. Let's get into it then. Where do you wanna start with the story, how it all began and where you ended up?

Well, like I said, I was born into this loving family, and I knew, and I probably, because I was the only daughter, I had the privilege of really being a daddy's girl. Mm-hmm. And I had this mindset and I had this image that my dad was everything. Yes. My mom was great. My mom was wonderful.

She was loving, she was nurturing. But my connection to my father was everything. 

[00:08:00] And then as I got older, when I, I gave my life to Christ when I was 11, and I noticed that as I got older, I started having more issues with my identity. And these are the teenage years when you start having those, friction points with your family, with your parents and the things.

It was so interesting how I was starting to have this friction with my father. Because I wanted to do things my way. I was just being a, just being a teenager again, my flesh. Right? Yes. Because I thought I knew better with things. Just typical teenage things, nothing major.

But now my dad and I are starting to have some conflict, and at this same time I'm starting to have some questions about who God is. Mm-hmm. Because I gave my life to Jesus when I was 11. I had heard the gospel. I was raised in church. Every time the doors were open, I was there. My parents were servants in the church until well into their elderly years.

My mom was the secretary. My dad was a deacon. Like my problem was not proximity to God. 

[00:09:00] Yeah. Matter of fact, it probably hindered me a bit. Mm-hmm. Because I seem to think that, I'm untouchable in the spirit. I didn't Yeah. You're good. Yeah. I'm good. I've got this. I didn't understand anything about spiritual warfare.

Nothing. Yeah. Like I wasn't raised in a religion where we talked about that. And so, this is why I bring this up. The enemy has a really specific playbook on each one of us. Yeah. Whether we recognize it or not, it is there. And I don't say that for people to, to be in fear. I say that because we need to be aware that we are in a war, there's a specific battle strategy, but the victory has already been given through Christ and, and our authority.

And we've got to understand and stand in that authority. And I didn't know how to do any of that because it wasn't being taught to me. And so, as I'm starting to grow and to, to mature, I say mature, but you know. Yeah. Yeah. Not so much I'm a teenager. Right. Uh, as I'm, I'm becoming a teenager, I'm starting to see all these rules of God. 

[00:10:00] Mm. And I'm starting to see how, well, when I was younger, it was really easy to follow God because I wasn't faced with the temptations and the things that I was wanting to do. Yeah. As a young child. And as I'm starting to grow and develop. More and more temptations are coming and I didn't understand my flesh needed to be killed.

Like, wow. I needed to kill the flesh and walk in the Spirit. I had given Jesus my heart. He had, he had my, my spirit was secure in Christ, but that soul and that flesh of Amy, my mind, my will and my emotions, yeah. Needed a lot of help. Yes. And I didn't understand that. Yeah. And so I, at the time I was having these frictions with my, my father, 

I'm also coming to these realizations with God. I'm like, well, God's a harsh God. Yeah. He's gives me all these rules, like, why can't I just go have fun? Why can't I do this? Why? Oh, that's right. Because I gave my life to Jesus. That's right. Because I don't wanna go to hell. 

[00:11:00] And then it became a place of, I've gotta follow these rules because I don't wanna go to hell.

So, I had this head knowledge I had so much head knowledge, but getting it down in my heart to be into a place where I was like, no, Amy, you don't wanna do this because you love Jesus and you respect Jesus and you understand the price He paid for you. Yeah. And he is precious to you and you wanna honor His name and his reputation because you carry Him.

None of that was filtering its way down into my heart. Sure. Sure. And Satan knew that, and he's just steadily laying out the bait steadily. Sure. Yeah. Yeah. So, you're starting to see this friction. Mm-hmm. And then like what happens next? So, by the time I graduated high school, I, you know, of course I'm wanting to go out on my own and do my own thing.

Yeah. And I got pregnant straight outta high school, got married because I was the good little Christian girl on the surface. I had so much religion. 

[00:12:00] Yeah. Lenee’, listen, I was super religious. Yeah. That was your only framework for faith. That was my only framework for faith. But religion will get you nowhere actually.

We'll it’ll get you somewhere. It'll get you straight to hell. Yeah. Yeah. If I can say that, it will get you straight to hell because It's about relationship. Yeah. Well, and you know, just to pause there and brings some color, you know, obviously perfectionism is rooted in religion. Yes.

Right. Legalism and perfectionism. Absolutely. Yeah. Yeah. I mean for me, I remember when God began to reveal that perfectionism was an issue. Um, now underneath of it was a bunch of shame and fear. Yes. And then that led to pride. Mm-hmm. And, you know, all the things. But I'm reading in the book of Galatians and I remember Paul is like, you know, talking to the, to the Galatians, like, 

Why are you trying to justify yourself, perfecting yourself by your own works? And I was like, he says, you foolish Galatians. Yeah. He said, yeah, who cut in on you? Mm-hmm. And then he calls it another gospel. Mm-hmm. 

[00:13:00] And I remember like, Ooh. Oh my word. I could just see how I started in faith and then I, defaulted back to mm-hmm Law that's, and He says, if you follow one aspect of the law, you gotta follow all of it. And of course, if we're following the Law, then Jesus died for nothing. That's right. And I can't keep 613 laws. Uhuh Plus not just that, the, the Jews had placed what were called fence laws. Mm. So you've got these 613 laws that have to be kept to perfection.

And they took it even further than that. They instituted what are called fence laws. Mm. So if the rules are this, and you don't wanna break this, I'm gonna set a, uh, I'm gonna set a law a little bit further out so you can't even come close to the real rule. So it's like a cushion law. Wow. It's called fence laws.

I didn't even know that. Mm-hmm. Wow. Yeah. No one can keep that. No, you can't do that. But the problem is, and you said this in your book, is we picture God as like a stern authority who 

[00:14:00] only loves us because he has to. Yeah. I only saw the Lion side of God that when the Lamb began to show up, the compassionate, merciful, tender, kind, loving, I thought it was a counterfeit, I literally thought it was a counterfeit and that it was he enemy was showing up as an angel of light. Oh yeah. It was crazy. I was so, you know, obedience, obedience, obedience. Follow the rules. Follow the rules. Fear of punishment. Right? Yeah. That's why 1 John 4:18 is one of my faves. There's no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. Mm-hmm. You know, I had all kinds of fear.

The only thing you can do to overcome anything in that kind of mindset is white knuckle it and pray to God you are fine. Because every time I sinned, I thought I was getting kicked out. Me too. Heaven. Me too. I remember being, being a young girl and being afraid to fall. This is really sad.

But I remember being afraid to fall asleep at night because I 

[00:15:00] was like, did I repent for everything? What if I wake? What if I, you know, wake up tomorrow and I'm in hell? And that's, that's. That's really an antichrist spirit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And, and we're talking about this other gospel, let's just call it what it is.

It's an antichrist gospel. It's anything against the gospel of Christ. Yeah. So how I operated was I've got to be perfect. Yep. I've gotta be perfect. Yep. Because one sin is gonna send me to hell. Now what that says is, the point of the Cross was nothing totally in vain. If I could save myself, why did Jesus go through all of that?

That's right. Why did Jesus choose that suffering? If I could do it for myself? That's right. And then, to communicate to you that now that he's done it for you, you have to clean yourself up before you can even come into His presence. Yeah. Which then negates the fact that the Blood of Jesus still speaks on our behalf today.

[00:16:00] That's right. I mean, that's, and the veil was torn. The veil was torn, so it wasn't torn by my hands. Yeah. So, who do I, who do I think I am that I can, but this is where I was operating from and as I got into my, young adult years, I would eviscerate back and forth between this trying to prove, trying to like work, work, work, do all the things.

And then over here I'm just gonna go through the motions and wear the Christian mask. Both things are wrong. Yeah. But it wasn't a constant steady state of I'm gonna work so hard and try to please the Lord and try to make sure I do everything.

I would operate there for a while and then it would just honestly be exhausting. And I'm like, yeah, this is pointless. Done. Oh, but that's right. I've gotta keep up the facade. Yeah. So again, it's back to pride. I've gotta look good on the surface because now I'm 19 years old. I'm married, I have a young baby.

I've gotta make it look good. Yeah. 'cause I'm a Christian. I can't look like a failure. Yep. Well, obviously that didn't work. And in short order, we were both young parents. 

[00:17:00] We were divorced and then I jumped back in to a marriage right away and I just repeat the cycle. Yeah. the problem was my heart, Lenee’.

It was my heart. Sure. Sure. All right, so here we go. we're on husband number two. I guess we're, we're on husband number two. Take us through that. Yeah, so it was literally six months, and here I'm married again because I, I had it in my mind what it, it should look like. Yeah. A godly woman needs to have a husband.

She needs to have our household set up. She needs to make sure she's got her children, in church. She needs to make sure she's doing her Bible study every day. Like all the things. I was not doing any of those. So, I quickly ran to my second husband, and we did the best we could. You know, my first husband and I, we did the best we could, but we were kids.

Like, yeah, it, it's what happens, right? And we're still very good friends to this day, 

[00:18:00] but, um, neither one of us were prepared to be married and be parents. And, uh, that's just how it is. And so, I'm broken and I'm looking to someone else to fix me, and I'm looking for someone else to, to play like, I have to, I have to build this Christian family.

That's how I was raised. I've gotta repeat that because sure, that's what works. But I didn't understand that like, no, Amy, you and Jesus really need to get somewhere and get this heart. Like, and there are you still, there's surgery that needs to happen in that point, in yours, in your walk. are you in church?

Mm-hmm. Are you not in church? Mm-hmm. You're in church? No, I'm, I'm still in church and Okay. Right away we got married, so we had my, my daughter we're raising her. She was a toddler and then we had kids back to back, right away. unplanned. And we are a young, young family trying to survive. And we had a lot of life stressors.

We moved, from the state. We ran, we were in Mississippi at the time, and we moved back home to Texas where I was from. 

[00:19:00] So we had to live with my parents for a little while and transition and, uh, you know, who knows, who knows how fun that is? I can tell you it's fun. I'm grateful for the time we had at my parents' house, but it, it was, uh, trying to come back as an adult and living under their roof and raising your own family.

Yeah. It was a challenge and a challenge for them having their, a challenge for them. Yeah. Having like, they have a family of five move in, right. Empty nest nesters and now they're, yeah. So, we had a lot of, uh, things happen and financial stressors, and so we started having our own problems. Okay. You know, we jumped out there and we bought the house.

We did the things we're thinking like, oh, this will fix it, this will fix it. And we just kept getting deeper and deeper, deeper, deeper and deeper in it. Yeah. Yeah. And so we thought, well, we must not be praying hard enough, or we must not be going to church enough, or we must not be doing dot, dot, dot, dot.

So, oh, our listeners all can relate. We're both, we're both like trying to do all the things and the more we're digging in and we're trying to, like you said, 

[00:20:00] white-knuckle it. So now I'm at a point where I'm back to that other side of the equation where like, oh God, I really wanna get this thing straight.

I really like, I now I have three small children. Yeah. I'm on my second marriage. I'm, you know, what, 25? Something like that. Yeah. And I like. I'm running out of time here, like my picture's starting to look pretty bad, like from the world's perspective, God, you've gotta help me clean this up. And so, I'm really trying really, really hard and it just continued to go off the rails.

Yeah. And so, then I started feeling this, I I, when I talk in my book about, about Eve and the garden, like everything's great with her. And then Satan shows up and he says, did God really say? Mm. And the moment she questioned in her mind, well, did God really say that? You know, we don't know. We, the Bible doesn't go explicitly into the whole conversation, 

[00:21:00] but at some point, she had to ponder what the serpent was saying to her.

Well, so to me that speaks of conception just happened. Hmm. Like when desires conceive That's right. Gives birth to sin. That's right. And to me, conception happened right there. That's right. That's whenever she sinned. When she considered, when she considered the enemy's lie. Yeah. And so, he showed up doing the same thing for me.

You know, I had this major identity wound in my heart where I had gone from feeling like a loved daughter to now, like, I don't really know who I am because things aren't working out like I thought they would. Yeah. And I don't feel like I thought I should feel, and it feels like God's heart to please.

And it feels like he's far away and it feels like, why am I struggling financially? Like why am I having all of these problems? God, if you're really this good God that I love and I'm doing checking off all the Christian boxes. Yeah. Why am I in this shape? These are the questions that were coming in my mind.

Mm. And our relationship, mine and my ex-husband's relationship started getting 

[00:22:00] worse and worse and worse. Mm-hmm. We're starting to resent each other more. We're starting to fight more. We're now not praying together. Yeah. We're now not reading our Bibles to together as a family. And to be, I was not.

Certain he probably wasn't either. We start drifting away from the Lord, we're still going to church. Yeah. Putting on the Christian mask and, you know, making our kids do all the things. But now I'm starting to yell at home. I'm starting to yell at my ex-husband. He's starting to yell at me. We're starting to have, um, really violent arguments in front of our kids.

I'm getting frustrated with my children over things that I shouldn't, my heart was not right, and I'm getting all these red flags, but then I start entertaining the thoughts that the enemy's questioning me with. Mm-hmm. Is God really good? Did God really say, you know, and that's the same question He gave to Eve did God really say?

And then I start feeling pride. Well, up I start feeling unloved. 

[00:23:00] Unseen, underappreciated, all of these things. I start getting into this victim mindset. Yeah. And feeling like, well, my, uh, picker must be broken. I must have picked the wrong husband.

Or I must have picked the, wrong place to live or whatever. I, I shouldn't have moved back to my hometown. Like all of these ridiculous thoughts were coming in. Yeah. And the enemy, he just set me up, hook, line and sinker. He's just steadily feeding me this bs steadily, steadily, steadily. And he set up a situation where I was working at another place, and the person that I worked for was also broken, having his own issues.

He was married as well. Idon't know everything that was going on, but boundaries started being crossed in conversations. Yep. And I knew right away, like the Holy Spirit was convicting me. Remember I'd given my life to Christ when I was 11. Right. So that holy spirit's still like, Amy, this is not where you wanna go.

Right. This is not where you wanna go. 

[00:24:00] But I wanted it. Yeah. Because I felt like I deserved it. Yeah. Because I was in my flesh. Yeah. You know, just like I said before my spirit. Yeah. Like a, a bitter root had already formed in you. Yeah. Well, the bitter root had never been taken out. from the moment I gave Christ my life, I did not let, you know, the Bible talks about we have to work out our own salvation with fear and trembling.

Mm-hmm. I gave Christ my life and then I just kinda, you know, yeah. Did, did my thing, but I didn't, I didn't put my heart on the operating table and say, fix my heart where it's broken. Right. And that's what needed to happen. Yep. Okay. So, we enter into what I'm hearing you say, an adulterous relationship.

Yeah. Yes. Where'd that go? Oh, wow. It went down, it went downhill fast. I mean, the listeners up to this point, they're thinking, okay, you know, we've heard this kind of story a million times, but listen, it gets crazier, doesn't it, sister? It gets, it gets much crazier 

[00:25:00] and Yeah. When the Holy Spirit's giving me these red flags, He's like, this man is, um, like he's crossing boundaries.

He's crossing lines. I'm like, oh, but it feels good. It feels good, like Holy Spirit. You know, like I said, I didn't know spiritual warfare. I didn't have this audible conversation with Holy Spirit, but basically that's what I was doing. I was shoving it down. Yeah.

And so, my flesh was telling my spirit to stay quiet. Yeah. And anytime. We listen to our flesh, we are a thousand percent gonna be in trouble. Amen. A thousand percent. Amen. And so, I continued to go down this route with him, and when the conversations got more and more inappropriate, it just very quickly, a bond formed that should not have been formed.

He was married. I was married. Um, he was my supervisor at work. Like there was a lot of things a a lot of things. Yeah. And before I knew it, we were in an active adulterous affair. Yeah. And I, very quickly it turned from, I. Me 

[00:26:00] being a place where I was like, oh, this, this is dangerous. But I kind of like, you know, you're kind of wrestling back and forth with it.

Yeah. And when I fell off the cliff, it was just boom, boom. Yeah. Yeah. Then I could no longer, you're not, you're not flirting anymore with sin. You're in bed with it. Yeah. You're, I literally, literally and figuratively, and I could no longer look myself in the mirror. But it's interesting because at this time I started dressing more provocatively.

I started, uh, just acting more. I, I, for lack of a better word, I just went wild. Yeah. I went wild because I didn't know what else to do. Yeah. And I'm like, well, I'm in this, I guess I'm just going one thing about me, when I do do something, I do it big. Yeah. Well, and I think too, like. I don't know about you, but in my past, if I was in the middle of sin once I jumped off the cliff, yeah.

It's like, well, there's no going back now. There's no going back. That's right. There's no hope. It's what's the point. Right. That's exactly where I was.

[00:27:00] What's the point? And the enemy just continued to feed and feed and feed that. And he's got that playbook. And I'm telling you, it was probably like shooting fish in a barrel.

And he's like, we have got Amy. And it is such a stark picture from how I was raised. Sure, sure. Because you would think that someone who had my background in my upbringing would know better. Yeah. I get it. And this is, you know, again, Pride. scripture talks about our heart being deceitful Mm-hmm. above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it? 

I mean that's right. This is why I preach to so many, you've got to understand the nature that you are born with. You have to understand, you have to acknowledge it. Yes, you do. There's no one who does good. Not even one. None of us are good by nature.

We literally have to exercise ourselves to intentionally, feed the spirit, and deny the flesh. Yeah. 

[00:28:00] We have to do that on a daily basis. We go to the cross daily. We go to, we have to show continually. That's right. It's the time. It's not a one and done thing. It's No, no, no. You're continually, and, and we don't get there by our own works, but we've gotta continue, like you said, you've gotta continue to be on this walk with Jesus.

Yeah. Yeah. And I was honestly refusing to walk with Him at this point, and I was beginning to feel like I didn't have a place with Him. Yeah. So how did this start to impact your relationship with your family? You're still, oh my gosh. It was like, did you leave church at this point?

You know, no, I'm, I'm still putting on the Christian mask. Still putting it on. Still putting it on. But at this point I'm very resentful every time I had to go to church and do the church thing. Yeah. But I had kids. Yeah. And I had a husband that did not know I was having an affair. Yeah. Now, the interesting thing about my father is he had a really strong gift of discernment.

My dad did. He knew very quickly something was wrong. He didn't know what it was, but he showed up at my house. 

[00:29:00] I lived down the street from my parents, and he showed up at my house one day unannounced. And he was, you know. Sitting at my kitchen table, I wanna talk to you. And I had been pretty distant from my family during this point 'cause I didn't wanna be found out. Right. Well, sin, sin, shame everything. That advice send and shame how you hide. Yeah. I was literally the prodigal son in the pigpen. Yeah. And my dad came to me and he said, listen, I don't really know what's going on, but something's not right. he said, I know you. And he said, you're not doing what you're supposed to be doing.

That's what he told me. He said, you're not doing what you're supposed to be doing. And I looked at him and I was like, you need to leave my house. Ugh. I never answered him. I never said he. I kicked my father out of my house. My dad, I was a daddy's girl and more than anything, I just wanted to be in my dad's presence.

But I looked at him as a grown woman, kicked him out of my house. So that meant you're not coming down here to see your grandkids anytime you want to. 

[00:30:00] You're not gonna just show up to my, like I, to this day, there are so many things I wish I could go back and do. Sure. Undo. But that is one of my greatest regrets 

Yeah. And, and just the pain in his eyes. Yeah. But you know, it wasn't just me kicking my earthly father out of my business. Yeah. I was kicking God out of my business. 'cause my dad was there as a representation of the Father of God, of the Heavenly Father, and I was kicking him outta my business. Who am I to do that?

Oh, I'm his daughter. And I'm saying don't look at me. Yeah. Well again, right. Shame hides. Sin hides. That's right. And so how long did this go on and what stopped it? So it was about six months and I found out I was pregnant. Mm. And in that moment, I, and it interesting thing is it wasn't too long after my dad had showed up at my house and I had an opportunity in that moment when my dad showed up, I had an opportunity to just say like, yeah, you're right.

[00:31:00] Like the Lord was so gracious. He was giving me an opportunity to just say like, yeah, but I didn't. And so I ended up pregnant. And I'm assuming the pregnancy was by the affair? Yes, it was definitely by the affair because my husband and I were not, we were in a really bad place. Okay. And we were there. Our relationship was not in any place of, of behaving like a husband and a wife.

Sure. On the surface we did. I mean, we would muddle through church together. We didn't really talk to each other. We, we didn't speak to each other much in our home, but yeah. Um. You know, we, we got through, he worked a lot to cope. Mm-hmm. And, um, so I knew it wasn't his child. And I told the father of my child.

And at this point, I don't really know what I was thinkingly. I don't know. Like I, I don't know if I was thinking that I had an op. Some I don't, I don't know. It's like part of me thought, well, maybe I have an opportunity to, to try this 

[00:32:00] family thing one more time. Like, which is ridiculous. He's married and I'm married.

Sure. And he had never given me any indication that he wanted to have a family with me. Not even the fact that it would be illegal in the spirit realm because I was not his wife. So he had no legal rights to me. Right. Spiritually speak. I'm speaking about spiritual matters now. Right, right. Um, but I just had this messed up thinking where this thought flashed in, like, well, maybe we could.

I don't know. I was just really messed up. Yeah. Yeah. The enemy just really had me on the ropes, and so I, I told him, and it was a gut punch when I told him, because his answer was, this can't happen. It's gonna ruin both of our lives. Ugh. Uh, this is our child. Wow. And I've had to do a lot, a lot of inner healing, deliverance and forgiveness for a lot of people, for a lot of things.

[00:33:00] But more than anything I've had to do so much work with a Holy Spirit on forgiving myself. Absolutely. That was the hardest one. But that was his position, that we're not gonna have this child. And it's so interesting because prior to this. I was, I've always been a right fighter, and prior to this I was so judgmental of any woman who would even say the word abortion.

Like if a woman was, was talking to any you that was opposition to me. I've always been pro-life, um, very strongly pro-life. I still am to this day, but I didn't speak to those women in a place of grace. Sure. You know, in 1 Corinthians where it says if we can do all the things, but if we don't do it in love, we're nothing more than a clanging symbol.

I was the loudest clanging symbol. Yeah. And I would, you know, I was so Pharisaical about why abortion was wrong. You know, you're bound for hell. You're all these things, you know, you're, you're unredeemable, you're all of this.

[00:34:00] How could you even say that? That that was my mindset. Sure. Until I was her. Ooh, come on.

And then I'm, I'm faced with this. what am I going to do? Right. I can't have an abortion. This goes against everything I believe, but he's telling me I can't have this child. I can't go to my husband and say, I am pregnant and it's not yours. Can you help me? Or at least this is what I thought, you know?

Right. All these thoughts are going through my mind. I'm I, in reality, there were a lot of options. The Lord always gives us a way out, but in my mind, these are all the thoughts that are going through, through my mind. And so, I just, like, I, I don't know what to do. So, I allowed myself to be taken to the abortion clinic and we went to Houston, which was two hours away from where we lived.

Yeah. And um, I knew, like, I knew going over there, I was like, I can't do this. I can't do this. And it was so interesting because the first place we went

[00:35:00] to it was an empty parking lot. Mm. And he was livid. He was livid. He's like, I know this is the address. I know it's here. I, to this day, I still maintain my position on this is that that building was there and the Lord, he covered it supernaturally.

Mm. He cloaked it. He camouflaged it somehow so he couldn't see it because he was so certain that that was the address. And I just remember feeling in my heart like, oh God, thank you. Like, okay, I don't know what we're gonna do. But I got out of that one. Like I was so relieved. Well, it didn't take him very long to find another abortion clinic in Houston that was happy to serve.

And so I'm carted across town and by the time I get there, I'm so Lenee’, I'm so upset. I'm crying so hard, I just can't, I just keep thinking like. I can't do this, I can't do this. Like what am I gonna do? I felt like a trapped rat. 

[00:36:00] I literally felt trapped like that. And we got out of the car and there was this homeless guy with a shopping cart in the parking lot there by it.

And he had a cardboard sign and it said, God loves you and your baby. Ugh. And I, I mean the telling signs of God. And I knew, I knew when I saw this man, I knew he was not a real homeless person. Oh my word. I knew. I heard it in my, I heard it in my mind. My mom used to say all the time, be careful how you treat people 'cause you never know when you entertain angels. I knew it in my mind and my gut that that was an angel.  I knew it, and he's holding a sign and he looks directly at me with his cart full of belongings, and he's literally holding a sign that says, God loves you and your baby. Tell me what a homeless man's gonna be.

A homeless man is not gonna be a pro-life advocate. It just doesn't happen. I mean, it'd be great if he was, but you, that's just not something you see. I, I know. Just like I know in my spirit that that first 

[00:37:00] abortion clinic was hidden. Yeah, I know. This was an angel. Yeah. And now I'm in a real mess because I've got God showing up in real time.

Right. Trying to stop this abortion. And I'm. Walking into this building, like, I don't, I don't know what I'm gonna do. Like what am I gonna do? And by the time I got in there, I was so upset. I was crying so hard, I couldn't even speak. I'm just like doing the dry heaving thing. I'm like, I'm a hot mess. 

Whew. Okay. Well that seems like a good place to pause, and I know this was a heavy listen. Some of you might actually be sitting there with knots in your stomach right now, not because Amy's story feels distant, but maybe it feels too close. Maybe you're thinking I should know better by now. Or maybe there's a quiet fear rising up that says, if God really knew everything about me, I'd be done.

But I want you to hear me 

[00:38:00] clearly before we go any further. God does not abandon His daughters in the middle of their story, and he doesn't confuse conviction with condemnation. What you heard today was not the end of Amy's story. It was the moment everything came into the light and light.

Even when it's uncomfortable, it is always the beginning of redemption. If you're feeling exposed, maybe tender, unsettled right now, it doesn't mean you're in danger with God. It often means he's actually near now. You don't need to rush to fix anything. You don't need to promise God you'll do better. And you don't need to grade yourself spiritually.

After this episode, I just want you to stay, stay curious, stay honest, stay open, and in part two we're going to talk about what happens after the breaking point, 

[00:39:00] how God meets us in the places we're most ashamed of, and how grace interrupts consequences without excusing sin and how restoration doesn't look like punishment.

It looks like resurrection. If this episode stirred something in you, I encourage you to sit with the Lord this week and ask just one gentle question. God, where have I believed you were angry with me instead of for me? We'll pick this story back up in two weeks and I promise you redemption is already moving even if you can't see it yet.

And until then, remember, this performance is not God's standard for righteousness and a surrendered heart and an obedient response is be sure to subscribe so you don't miss part two and tune in every other Tuesday for your reminder that the work of the cross freed us from having 

[00:40:00] to do this thing in our own strength.

You are not too far gone, Sis. You're not disqualified. And this is not the end of the story. I'll meet you back here soon.